Dreamin'

As a married couple with no kids, the number one question you are asked is, "so when are you going to have a baby?" (Well at least for newly married mormon couples that's the first question asked I would say.) Muka and I have been no exception to this question. It's been almost 2 years that we've been married now and we have been asked that more times than I can even count. Haha. And the answer is always the same, "we are trying....so as soon as the lord knows we are ready!" And we both know those words to be true. We HAVE been trying basically since being married. Nothing has (obviously) happened. And we KNOW that the lord has things in store for us and that it'll happen when it needs to and is meant to.

...However, like any other woman out there...after you've been trying for some time, you get sort of nervous when it hasn't just happened like you thought it did. I've had that fear of having issues of getting pregnant since I was in high school. That may have sounded wrong, haha....I DID NOT try or want to try and get pregnant than, but just due to certain female things being a little off, it was a thought that would cross my mind. And here I am now so it definitely has worried me a little. I can't lie that I haven't prayed for conformation and comfort that I will be blessed to be able to bare children in this life and with that being said, I am now at a point where I honestly am trusting in the lords timing and it happening when it's meant to. My focus right now is just getting my health right and making sure all is well with my body and if it is, than we are good! I know babies will come. :) Anyways, after my long intro to the purpose of this post (me rambling per usual) I will now cut to the chase.

I have had some very interesting dreams lately. And some of those dreams have been heavy on my mind lately....so I wanted to get them out the way I like to get other things out that leave an impression on me...via my blog. :)

Through my dreams, I believe I have met my unborn daughter. 3 times now she's come to me in my dreams. I have not seen the details of her face to know what she looks like, but I know her spirit, and I know it's her. I've already shared this with my husband, my 2 sisters, and my mom and I was 100% fine when telling them, but right now I can't stop crying as I type this. Haha. (I swear I'm not crazy)

The first time I had a dream with her was maybe 2-3 months ago. and it was my niece Caleah and this little girl and I was walking them to the school bus stop. I won't go into all the details, that's just the main part of the dream was me walking the two of them to the bus. I didn't know specifically who the little girl was, but I knew her. If that makes sense. I thought when thinking about it after waking up that maybe it was Caleah's future sibling?

Than last week, I had a scary dream that I was at home with Caleah and the girl and I had heard someone break into the house from the basement, and with Caleah being older I hid them in a closet and told Caleah that they had to be quiet and not come out for any reason. So Caleah was brave, held the little girls hand and they stayed in the closet. I of course shot one of the two guys dead that broke in but the second guy wasn't going down and i ran out of bullets, and all I could think of when he was coming towards me was Caleah and the little girl in the closet and praying the lord would keep them safe no matter what happened. I than forced myself awake.

Less than a week after that dream, it randomly came to my mind the memory of that dream and the one dream before with the same little girl. And it automatically just came to me. Completely out of no where. My sisters and I were talking about something completely different, and I randomly said, that little girl in my dreams that's always with Caleah. It's my unborn daughter.

This was just a week ago and since than I hadn't been able to get it off my mind. So the other day as I was in my thoughts, I asked that if this were to really be my baby....to let me have another dream of her. To confirm it. And last night she was in my dreams again. :)

We were at my family reunion and everyone was at my parents house. We were setting up tables and things when I heard my Grandma Sena call my name on the left side of me. For those of you who don't really know me, my Grandma Sena passed away in March of 2014 and all growing up, she raised and watched me and my siblings while my parents worked. We were very close with her and I think of and miss her all of the time since she passed away. This is the 3rd dream she's been in of mine since her passing and i know it's her way of visiting me. Back to the dream, sorry....so I heard my name being called and knew it was my grandma's voice. I turned to my left and saw her smiling at me. Unlike the dreams I had of her before, I knew that she was dead and it was just her spirit, but I went to her and she walked me around to the other side of the table. As I was following her my cousin Cilla saw me crying and asked what was wrong and I was just pointing at my Grandma crying, I couldn't even talk but Cilla couldn't see what I was talking about. Once around the table, my grandma knelt down and I knelt down behind her...but as I got to my knees and looked up, my grandma wasn't there anymore. Instead it was that little girl. My daughter. And i knew for sure that it was her and I just held her hands and cried.

I know some people may not believe in this kind of stuff, and I get it. I never even knew you could dream about meeting people you've never "met" but you've known or will know...But there's just some things that happen and they leave you with a feeling you can't deny. I know Muka and I will be blessed with children of our own and that for now they are in the presence of our Heavenly Father and in the loving care of my Grandma Sena just like my sibling and I were growing up. I know she knows I was sad that she passed a few months before I got married and that she wasn't able to be there at the temple. That's why I felt her spirit so strong with me the day I went through and the first several visits i had to the temple after being married. And when needed most she'd be in my dreams. And now I know that maybe she conversed with the lord to know that I'd been worrying about being able to have a baby in this life so she came to me in my dream, to let me feel her presence along with the presence of my baby. I know the lord works in mysterious ways and I feel blessed to be given those dreams of comfort. Tender mercies. He knows my heart and my worries, and what my spirit needed. He heard my prayers and wanted me to know he did. He and my Grandma Sena.

At times that I think about the strong bond I have with my siblings and my niece & I can't even fathom how it'd be when I have my own babies. Grateful to already feel the eternal bond I have with my (unborn) daughter before we've officially met on earth. Going to bed with a happy and full heart.

Changing the Atmosphere

By Joanna Gaines on July 22, 2014 

I’ve been recently reminded that the way I perceive my circumstances can really make or break my day and can have a major effect on those around me. My attitude going into places can either add or take away from the atmosphere. I want to choose to be positive, reminding myself that every opportunity is a gift.

Chip is really good at this. He typically finds the positive things in any situation while that tends to be a bit harder for me. I think more about what needs to get done and how it’s going to be accomplished. But I’ve realized I can choose which lens I’m going to view life from. Even though our life is crazy right now, I want to think of this as a opportunity more than anything else. I can trust that this is a chance to grow and learn. And it’s a chance to enjoy each other as a family doing what we love to do most.

It all starts in my mind. Am I viewing the current circumstance as an opportunity or as a burden? Am I overwhelmed by what could go wrong or am I excited about what could go right? I want to be able to find the positive in each situation, believing God brought me there for a specific purpose and will sustain me through it. If I start the day overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done, then I’m missing some of the good things along the way!

Whether you’re a stay at home mom picking up after your kiddos or work a full time job, we can all choose to be atmosphere changers. And by that I mean, we have the power to set the tone with our kids at home or with our coworkers at the office. Rather than view life as a constant to do list, think of it as an opportunity to love and serve others well. This will shift the atmosphere and you will find others inspired to do the same.

I came across this article when reading Joanna Gaines (from Fixer Uppers) blog the other day and since then it's stayed with me and I have felt a prompting to share it on my blog. Hope it speaks to one of you like it did for me. 

Bridals

Leaving the Nest

This has been a blog post I've thought of for a very long time now but never ended up finishing for whatever reason…….well because i'd get writers block and my mind would freeze up with all the thoughts I had in mind with how I was feeling….anyways, here it goes....

Flash back to 6 months before Muka was to come home from his mission. It was sinking in that my wait was coming to an end. His homecoming was right around the corner. I was beyond excited but at the same time pretty scared. haha. Scared because once he got back serious life decisions would come up that would change our life forever. Life decisions being marriage, marriage resulting in moving out, moving out resulting in leaving my family and the home I've had my whole life! Yes people, I am 23 and still live at home! I know some people really look forward to it, to moving out (0r else they don't mind it). I was that way once, when I was 17 and 18, a senior in high school and waiting to graduate...wanting to be young and free and independent. Then reality hit me and I realized to do so you have to be financially stable. Haha. I'd always worked, but I needed to get credit established and get a savings really going,,, along with making better money. Long story short, I got over that desire to move out and was happy living at home and being with my family. Haha.  It gave me that chance to save money, build my credit, buy what I wanted and when I wanted it (haha), and help out my family. So now, actually knowing that if when Elder Atiga got back and we were to stay together, marriage would be the next thing to do... & I don't know....Just knowing that it was now really happening and a possibility, it was tripping me out.

It was the night of the proposal, we were at my parents house and he had just proposed. I had made my rounds of hugging and thanking everyone for being there and I was now making my way to my room to put the ring box away. I put the ring box in my room and as I was walking back to the living room I noticed that one of my little sister's, Sariah (15 yrs old at the time), was in her room. Not only was it bizarre to have her in her room while everyone was over but she was cleaning her room. (Very unlike her...ESPECIALLY when we have a lot of people over.) So I went in her room and noticed right away when trying to talk to her that she was crying. But the crying was just at the beginning stages....once I hugged her the intense/ugly cry kicked in. haha She didn't even have to explain to me what was wrong because I already knew and was somewhat feeling the same way. So we hugged and cried together. She knew...well we both knew that although it was an exciting moment it was also bittersweet because it meant being one step closer to being separated. I know it sounds really dramatic to most people…(us Tatafu sisters typically sound dramatic to most people in general....Lol.) because It was not like we wouldn't be seeing one another again, we could everyday if we wanted. After all once I was married we'd stay living in Utah. I even wanted to stay living in the same city basically for that reason! hah. But as I think I may have mentioned in previous posts, my sisters and I are literally best friends. We were so use to going to bed, waking up, spending 80-90% of the day with one another, doing everything together. Especially the past 2 years, while Muka was gone. We got closer than ever before and things weren't the same if they were done without each other. Everything we did was the 3 of us. Cass, Sepa, and Riah.  I would be the first one to leave the house and the three that were inseparable would be separated.

After everyone was finally leaving that night, Muka and his (married) siblings wanted to go out to eat together. He was so excited and happy and I didn't want to kill his vibe or seem rude but even though I was very happy I felt vulnerable in a sense too. With it all sinking in... and I just wanted to be at home with my family...mainly with my sisters that night. You know when you were younger and you were at someones house and they really wanted you to sleep over but you were too scared to admit you weren't down to sleep over, so when they're asking your parents for you to sleep over you're like giving your parents that face hoping they're vibing with you and they say you have to go home? No? Was that just me? haha. Well, that's how I felt that night. It's hard to put a word on the feeling that's why I put the above explanation because it reminded me of that. Haha And I'd wished my parents could have said that I had to stay home that night. So I could have been there, with my sisters. But I went and did my best to put that feeling to the side for the rest of the night.


Now fast forward to the night before the wedding....it was around 10pm, we had just had a get together with muka's family and mine..kind of celebrating the traditional tongan things that typically take place for weddings...& I'm driving muka to his parents to sleep for the night…but before going back home to my family…I had to write a letter to my sisters to go along with the gifts I was giving them. Kind of like my going away presents to them. I got us all matching gold plate necklaces with matching sayings on them. But as I was driving and thinking what to write, i just started balling. Like the most I had cried in a long time. I was now leaving them, and my parents, my comfort and home to start a whole new life pretty much. I would no longer have my sisters across the hall,  or be seeing my younger siblings and the funny things they do or say on a daily basis,  and not seeing my niece all day every day...it was a lot for me at that moment and i just had to let it out. I think I let a lot out because it was the only time I cried during the rest of the wedding ceremonies and celebrations. haha.


So the wedding came and was gone & it was after the wedding and moving out, a little over a week after the wedding...It was nearly midnight & we're at the airport having had just got back from our honeymoon  that we'd left to on a red eye flight after the wedding. My mom, sister, and niece were picking us up. We had be traveling for over 24 hours and were exhausted and starving for a home cooked meal. So we went to my parents for dinner and to visit for a little. I'm bringing this all up because this is the first moment that it really hit me after officially being married. Reality. I was officially leaving the nest, people!! I was now back home (in America..even better, Utah!),  I was married...but that I wouldn't be spending the night in my childhood home with my parents just downstairs and my siblings and niece across the hall. When I said good night that night, I'd be leaving, and going to bed for the first time…with my husband, in our new home, where all our new memories would start and be made. I couldn't help but feel sad and kind of homesick/nervous when leaving them that night. Don't get me wrong, it was the main thing I was excited for when it came to this whole experience…living in my new home with my husband. But it was definitely bittersweet on that ride home.  I didn't cry yet though. Just two nights later, laying in bed, watching Frozen..my nieces favorite movie and my husband fell asleep. I missed them a lot and cried going to bed. haha.

 Now to the current time...today.....I've gotten use to it and the home sickness  is gone. I now love and feel like I have my own home. Yeah I miss my family and the life I had living at home with my family but I also love my new life with Muka. (upcoming blog on the married life) Leaving the nest was a big deal for me though! & I think looking back, maybe the biggest thing was that I was scared of loosing the relationships I had…with both my little sisters AND little brother, and to my niece Caleah. I think especially with my niece Caleah. I didn't ever wanna be the auntie she's least close to because she doesn't see me all the time like my sisters that live at home. Being an auntie to my niece means a lot to me and I didn't want to loose the closeness I had with her…of being the only one she specifically calls auntie...running to my room and we'd stay up together, eating and watching tv...dancing & jumping on the bed, playing hide and seek cause her parents fell asleep but she wasn't tired yet. Those are some of my favorite moments ever....

I guess it all boils down to still wanting to feel wanted and needed by my family as if I was still home. Still wanting my sisters to come to me and talk to me when they needed me.

Now after time has passed (over 7 mos.), I know that yeah I miss some things that go on and I'm not there for every moment at home, but they come over all the time...we have sister nights every week at my house...my niece always comes over or we talk on the phone...and we're all still close. Because our parents raised us to be that way. It's just really made me grateful for how i was brought up and how close my parents had my siblings and I be even though we're each 4 years apart. I now can only hope to instill the things my parents taught and raised me with when we have our own kids someday. That they may love the home they were born and raised in and will have just as hard of a time leaving the nest.

So that journey has ended and the new one begins..Muka and I have our own nest....on Saybrook Lane, that I absolutely love and can't wait to share it soon on the blog!