I can't lie when I say, I want to fill like I'm number one. Because who doesn't wanna feel that way in their relationship? (Well up until you have kids, that is.) Let's be honest people. Haha. But when becoming a missionary girlfriend you have to change that mind frame, completely. or you won't last.
Maybe you've never had that feeling..and maybe it's just me? Ha. I think this want of "number-one-ness" comes from when I was younger (and thought I was old enought to date. Haha.) I remember my first boyfriend I had, and going to pick him up to go out on a double date. When getting to his house he basically said he wasn't coming because all his friends were there and it was "bros before hoes." (You're probably saying that must be a joke, right? haha. Yeah, that's what I think too now looking back at it.) But I can't tell you how much of a fool I felt like when hearing that. I felt like the biggest idiot ever. (Obviously) And telling myself I was going to be with someone that had pride in calling me his "girlfriend" and put me before any of his friends. And I'll admit, for half of me and Muka's relationship (in the beginning) I felt that way. Cause it was an insecurity from my previous relationship.
It wasn't until we really decided on the mission, that my mind frame changed. I knew he had to put the mission and the lord first. And that's what I wanted. Cause I had learned and had a testimony of when centering your life on the gospel, everything else falls into place and is as should be. Like I've said in previous posts, Muka and I went through rough patches throughout high school and through his first year in college..we broke up for awhile and through those times the most comforting thing to me was the gospel. Praying got me through the night and scriptures helped me keep my mind right. And I like to think that those choices I made during the hardest times are what brought him back to me. I centered my life nd my trust in the lord and he brought Muka back into my life. Our relationsihop was completely different afterwards. It was better than ever before.
With all this being said, once you decide to stay with your missionary..through the whole mission process, you know that you are the last thing that should be on his mind or as his focus. And the number one thing you wanna keep from becoming is a distraction. This meaning you cannot really vent all the times you get sad or discouraged, because we all know debbie downers do nothing but either bring people down or annoy them. And we as MG's don't wanna do either of those! ha. And although its what you want...(for him to center his life on his mission)..doesn't mean its easy. Because while he's focused on that, his mission..you are still focused on him..and your relationship. You are still where you were before he left..with constant reminders of you and him. Just minus the "him" being there. It kinda makes you feel like you are in a one sided relationship in a way..no matter how stable your relationship is or has been...it's hard to explain. It gets really hard for sure. For the most part it has been a good experience for me, not that hard. Yeah, well maybe I spoke too soon, because this past weekend has not been the easiest.
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| story of my weekend |
It's a weird thing. This long distance relationship...as a missionary girlfriend. Going from talking daily to once a week through a letter. Seeing each other pretty much every day to twice a year (through skpye...if you're lucky). BUT, I knew what I was getting myself into. For me, I have to continually keep in mind the blessings that come with patience and obedience and keep in mind the bigger picture. And that when you brake rules or make wrong choices , there are consequences. And I never want a consequence to affect my relationship with my missionary.
Oh the joys of being an emotional women. And oh the things that you can write on your blackberry late at night when you are missing him. Haha. And since I don't wanna be a debbie downer for my missionary and can't vent to him about this "missing him like crazy-ness"...all of you great followers get to read about it! Haha. Until the next vent/thoughts out loud sesh...
8 1/2 months and counting!
..15 1/2 to go!!! (:
and i'm still loving my missionary.