(*in comes the long distance mind games*)
Lately it's felt like time has flown by but at the same time it feels like so long since I've seen him. At this point, I really have to remember us. That sentence just sounded horrible. What I mean is, at this point, it's been over 22 months that we've been apart/ seen one another/ hung out/ went on dates/ done things normal couples do/ etc., and with that being said I really have to remind myself of the memories and try and remember them. Remember how it feels. I mean, my love is still there and has grown...it really has. In a way I can't explain. You know if you've been through a missionary relationship what I'm talking about. But when it's been that long, you kind of forget things and you have to remind yourself of how it feels. I don't know if that makes sense?
There are times where you do get a reminder of that feeling when you get a letter or an email and he reaffirms how much he loves you, etc.. Or when you have a dream about him. And the dream feels so real! We're on a date after he's come home, it's his homecoming, we're just hanging out like we use to...than I wake up and realize it was all a dream. haha. I've had all of those dreams (and than some) and every single one is a life saver to me. Because every time, they make me feel as if we just hung out. hah. Sounds so weird when I say it out loud or write it, but it's true. Those dreams and those letters will bring back that feeling that makes things a little easier and that makes my love grow regardless of the distance and the extent of communication we're allowed to have. And I'm more in love than I was before.
But of coarse, with the highs come the lows. And just like those feelings come, they also go. And it's just another waiting game to get them reaffirmed within myself. It's a crazy mind game, this long-distance-missionary-girlfriend-relationship.
90% of the time the letters and emails are about spiritual experiences and his testimony and how he's growing spiritually. Which don't get me wrong are great! But than the mind game comes into play and I have to just keep in mind that I can't let myself get caught up in always getting the sappy, lovey dovey letters and/or emails. Cause again, he needs to be focused. I can't complain if I don't hear it as much as I'd like to. Because it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me as much as I feel I love him.
With talking about the memories, and having to reflect on those to try and keep my head right & to remember what I'm waiting for, I than start to realize more and more as time passes by, that he's changed. He's grown and become more mature. Spiritually mature to be specific. Like on a whole 'nother level. He's the same guy I've loved the last 7+ years of my life...but than he's different. And it starts to make me feel nervous or second guess myself. If I'm good enough for this guy who seems so perfect. So deep into the gospel. And I feel so simple in comparison.
My mind starts thinking, what if those memories and those things that I loved so much about us, about him, aren't the same once he's home. I go through the wait, waiting for that same relationship we left off with almost 2 years ago, and than when he gets back, we're together again, and it's different. Will it be good or will it be too different? Agh, I hate even thinking this way. But I'm just writing down something I've never actually said out loud or written before. I've thought it, but was too nervous to actually put it out there.
I love Elder Atiga. Just as much as I did before he left. And I miss him so much. I just want to be together again. And I don't doubt us.
I just realized this was probably a super debbie downer blog post..especially considering it's been some time since I've last blogged. But this was just a post of the moment. Me thinking out loud and putting my thoughts into my blog. I've felt selfish for not sharing more of how I've felt going through this journey. That was the whole point of making this blog. For others going through this experience to relate to or understand. The last 3 months or so have been hard, since he's become an assistant to the president and than becoming AP to a brand new mission they opened up. The Irvine, CA mission. So we haven't talked as in depth as we always have. When he is able to write, it's pretty short and brief. So it's got my mind all over the place. which you know by now. hah. But I am still forever grateful for him and the example he is to me. Always making me want to be better. And although he's away and we aren't able to share your typical relationships type of love and affection, he still finds ways to be there for me even though he's not here.
To those who are going to be new to a "missionary relationship," I hope I didn't scare you. haha I honestly wouldn't change anything about this experience or having to go through it. It's hard, but the love we have gained thus far by pushing through it, and seeing how much he's grown and his love for the gospel makes it all worth it. To those who are going through it right now, i think by you reading this, you can tell that I can relate and can say I feel your pain. haha. And to those who do not have to experience this and have your loved ones available to you now, be grateful. Hug them a little tighter, kiss them a little longer, be a littler nicer than usual. haha. Because not everyone gets that everyday. And it's a blessing (: