Dreamin'

As a married couple with no kids, the number one question you are asked is, "so when are you going to have a baby?" (Well at least for newly married mormon couples that's the first question asked I would say.) Muka and I have been no exception to this question. It's been almost 2 years that we've been married now and we have been asked that more times than I can even count. Haha. And the answer is always the same, "we are trying....so as soon as the lord knows we are ready!" And we both know those words to be true. We HAVE been trying basically since being married. Nothing has (obviously) happened. And we KNOW that the lord has things in store for us and that it'll happen when it needs to and is meant to.

...However, like any other woman out there...after you've been trying for some time, you get sort of nervous when it hasn't just happened like you thought it did. I've had that fear of having issues of getting pregnant since I was in high school. That may have sounded wrong, haha....I DID NOT try or want to try and get pregnant than, but just due to certain female things being a little off, it was a thought that would cross my mind. And here I am now so it definitely has worried me a little. I can't lie that I haven't prayed for conformation and comfort that I will be blessed to be able to bare children in this life and with that being said, I am now at a point where I honestly am trusting in the lords timing and it happening when it's meant to. My focus right now is just getting my health right and making sure all is well with my body and if it is, than we are good! I know babies will come. :) Anyways, after my long intro to the purpose of this post (me rambling per usual) I will now cut to the chase.

I have had some very interesting dreams lately. And some of those dreams have been heavy on my mind lately....so I wanted to get them out the way I like to get other things out that leave an impression on me...via my blog. :)

Through my dreams, I believe I have met my unborn daughter. 3 times now she's come to me in my dreams. I have not seen the details of her face to know what she looks like, but I know her spirit, and I know it's her. I've already shared this with my husband, my 2 sisters, and my mom and I was 100% fine when telling them, but right now I can't stop crying as I type this. Haha. (I swear I'm not crazy)

The first time I had a dream with her was maybe 2-3 months ago. and it was my niece Caleah and this little girl and I was walking them to the school bus stop. I won't go into all the details, that's just the main part of the dream was me walking the two of them to the bus. I didn't know specifically who the little girl was, but I knew her. If that makes sense. I thought when thinking about it after waking up that maybe it was Caleah's future sibling?

Than last week, I had a scary dream that I was at home with Caleah and the girl and I had heard someone break into the house from the basement, and with Caleah being older I hid them in a closet and told Caleah that they had to be quiet and not come out for any reason. So Caleah was brave, held the little girls hand and they stayed in the closet. I of course shot one of the two guys dead that broke in but the second guy wasn't going down and i ran out of bullets, and all I could think of when he was coming towards me was Caleah and the little girl in the closet and praying the lord would keep them safe no matter what happened. I than forced myself awake.

Less than a week after that dream, it randomly came to my mind the memory of that dream and the one dream before with the same little girl. And it automatically just came to me. Completely out of no where. My sisters and I were talking about something completely different, and I randomly said, that little girl in my dreams that's always with Caleah. It's my unborn daughter.

This was just a week ago and since than I hadn't been able to get it off my mind. So the other day as I was in my thoughts, I asked that if this were to really be my baby....to let me have another dream of her. To confirm it. And last night she was in my dreams again. :)

We were at my family reunion and everyone was at my parents house. We were setting up tables and things when I heard my Grandma Sena call my name on the left side of me. For those of you who don't really know me, my Grandma Sena passed away in March of 2014 and all growing up, she raised and watched me and my siblings while my parents worked. We were very close with her and I think of and miss her all of the time since she passed away. This is the 3rd dream she's been in of mine since her passing and i know it's her way of visiting me. Back to the dream, sorry....so I heard my name being called and knew it was my grandma's voice. I turned to my left and saw her smiling at me. Unlike the dreams I had of her before, I knew that she was dead and it was just her spirit, but I went to her and she walked me around to the other side of the table. As I was following her my cousin Cilla saw me crying and asked what was wrong and I was just pointing at my Grandma crying, I couldn't even talk but Cilla couldn't see what I was talking about. Once around the table, my grandma knelt down and I knelt down behind her...but as I got to my knees and looked up, my grandma wasn't there anymore. Instead it was that little girl. My daughter. And i knew for sure that it was her and I just held her hands and cried.

I know some people may not believe in this kind of stuff, and I get it. I never even knew you could dream about meeting people you've never "met" but you've known or will know...But there's just some things that happen and they leave you with a feeling you can't deny. I know Muka and I will be blessed with children of our own and that for now they are in the presence of our Heavenly Father and in the loving care of my Grandma Sena just like my sibling and I were growing up. I know she knows I was sad that she passed a few months before I got married and that she wasn't able to be there at the temple. That's why I felt her spirit so strong with me the day I went through and the first several visits i had to the temple after being married. And when needed most she'd be in my dreams. And now I know that maybe she conversed with the lord to know that I'd been worrying about being able to have a baby in this life so she came to me in my dream, to let me feel her presence along with the presence of my baby. I know the lord works in mysterious ways and I feel blessed to be given those dreams of comfort. Tender mercies. He knows my heart and my worries, and what my spirit needed. He heard my prayers and wanted me to know he did. He and my Grandma Sena.

At times that I think about the strong bond I have with my siblings and my niece & I can't even fathom how it'd be when I have my own babies. Grateful to already feel the eternal bond I have with my (unborn) daughter before we've officially met on earth. Going to bed with a happy and full heart.

Changing the Atmosphere

By Joanna Gaines on July 22, 2014 

I’ve been recently reminded that the way I perceive my circumstances can really make or break my day and can have a major effect on those around me. My attitude going into places can either add or take away from the atmosphere. I want to choose to be positive, reminding myself that every opportunity is a gift.

Chip is really good at this. He typically finds the positive things in any situation while that tends to be a bit harder for me. I think more about what needs to get done and how it’s going to be accomplished. But I’ve realized I can choose which lens I’m going to view life from. Even though our life is crazy right now, I want to think of this as a opportunity more than anything else. I can trust that this is a chance to grow and learn. And it’s a chance to enjoy each other as a family doing what we love to do most.

It all starts in my mind. Am I viewing the current circumstance as an opportunity or as a burden? Am I overwhelmed by what could go wrong or am I excited about what could go right? I want to be able to find the positive in each situation, believing God brought me there for a specific purpose and will sustain me through it. If I start the day overwhelmed by everything that needs to get done, then I’m missing some of the good things along the way!

Whether you’re a stay at home mom picking up after your kiddos or work a full time job, we can all choose to be atmosphere changers. And by that I mean, we have the power to set the tone with our kids at home or with our coworkers at the office. Rather than view life as a constant to do list, think of it as an opportunity to love and serve others well. This will shift the atmosphere and you will find others inspired to do the same.

I came across this article when reading Joanna Gaines (from Fixer Uppers) blog the other day and since then it's stayed with me and I have felt a prompting to share it on my blog. Hope it speaks to one of you like it did for me. 

Bridals

Leaving the Nest

This has been a blog post I've thought of for a very long time now but never ended up finishing for whatever reason…….well because i'd get writers block and my mind would freeze up with all the thoughts I had in mind with how I was feeling….anyways, here it goes....

Flash back to 6 months before Muka was to come home from his mission. It was sinking in that my wait was coming to an end. His homecoming was right around the corner. I was beyond excited but at the same time pretty scared. haha. Scared because once he got back serious life decisions would come up that would change our life forever. Life decisions being marriage, marriage resulting in moving out, moving out resulting in leaving my family and the home I've had my whole life! Yes people, I am 23 and still live at home! I know some people really look forward to it, to moving out (0r else they don't mind it). I was that way once, when I was 17 and 18, a senior in high school and waiting to graduate...wanting to be young and free and independent. Then reality hit me and I realized to do so you have to be financially stable. Haha. I'd always worked, but I needed to get credit established and get a savings really going,,, along with making better money. Long story short, I got over that desire to move out and was happy living at home and being with my family. Haha.  It gave me that chance to save money, build my credit, buy what I wanted and when I wanted it (haha), and help out my family. So now, actually knowing that if when Elder Atiga got back and we were to stay together, marriage would be the next thing to do... & I don't know....Just knowing that it was now really happening and a possibility, it was tripping me out.

It was the night of the proposal, we were at my parents house and he had just proposed. I had made my rounds of hugging and thanking everyone for being there and I was now making my way to my room to put the ring box away. I put the ring box in my room and as I was walking back to the living room I noticed that one of my little sister's, Sariah (15 yrs old at the time), was in her room. Not only was it bizarre to have her in her room while everyone was over but she was cleaning her room. (Very unlike her...ESPECIALLY when we have a lot of people over.) So I went in her room and noticed right away when trying to talk to her that she was crying. But the crying was just at the beginning stages....once I hugged her the intense/ugly cry kicked in. haha She didn't even have to explain to me what was wrong because I already knew and was somewhat feeling the same way. So we hugged and cried together. She knew...well we both knew that although it was an exciting moment it was also bittersweet because it meant being one step closer to being separated. I know it sounds really dramatic to most people…(us Tatafu sisters typically sound dramatic to most people in general....Lol.) because It was not like we wouldn't be seeing one another again, we could everyday if we wanted. After all once I was married we'd stay living in Utah. I even wanted to stay living in the same city basically for that reason! hah. But as I think I may have mentioned in previous posts, my sisters and I are literally best friends. We were so use to going to bed, waking up, spending 80-90% of the day with one another, doing everything together. Especially the past 2 years, while Muka was gone. We got closer than ever before and things weren't the same if they were done without each other. Everything we did was the 3 of us. Cass, Sepa, and Riah.  I would be the first one to leave the house and the three that were inseparable would be separated.

After everyone was finally leaving that night, Muka and his (married) siblings wanted to go out to eat together. He was so excited and happy and I didn't want to kill his vibe or seem rude but even though I was very happy I felt vulnerable in a sense too. With it all sinking in... and I just wanted to be at home with my family...mainly with my sisters that night. You know when you were younger and you were at someones house and they really wanted you to sleep over but you were too scared to admit you weren't down to sleep over, so when they're asking your parents for you to sleep over you're like giving your parents that face hoping they're vibing with you and they say you have to go home? No? Was that just me? haha. Well, that's how I felt that night. It's hard to put a word on the feeling that's why I put the above explanation because it reminded me of that. Haha And I'd wished my parents could have said that I had to stay home that night. So I could have been there, with my sisters. But I went and did my best to put that feeling to the side for the rest of the night.


Now fast forward to the night before the wedding....it was around 10pm, we had just had a get together with muka's family and mine..kind of celebrating the traditional tongan things that typically take place for weddings...& I'm driving muka to his parents to sleep for the night…but before going back home to my family…I had to write a letter to my sisters to go along with the gifts I was giving them. Kind of like my going away presents to them. I got us all matching gold plate necklaces with matching sayings on them. But as I was driving and thinking what to write, i just started balling. Like the most I had cried in a long time. I was now leaving them, and my parents, my comfort and home to start a whole new life pretty much. I would no longer have my sisters across the hall,  or be seeing my younger siblings and the funny things they do or say on a daily basis,  and not seeing my niece all day every day...it was a lot for me at that moment and i just had to let it out. I think I let a lot out because it was the only time I cried during the rest of the wedding ceremonies and celebrations. haha.


So the wedding came and was gone & it was after the wedding and moving out, a little over a week after the wedding...It was nearly midnight & we're at the airport having had just got back from our honeymoon  that we'd left to on a red eye flight after the wedding. My mom, sister, and niece were picking us up. We had be traveling for over 24 hours and were exhausted and starving for a home cooked meal. So we went to my parents for dinner and to visit for a little. I'm bringing this all up because this is the first moment that it really hit me after officially being married. Reality. I was officially leaving the nest, people!! I was now back home (in America..even better, Utah!),  I was married...but that I wouldn't be spending the night in my childhood home with my parents just downstairs and my siblings and niece across the hall. When I said good night that night, I'd be leaving, and going to bed for the first time…with my husband, in our new home, where all our new memories would start and be made. I couldn't help but feel sad and kind of homesick/nervous when leaving them that night. Don't get me wrong, it was the main thing I was excited for when it came to this whole experience…living in my new home with my husband. But it was definitely bittersweet on that ride home.  I didn't cry yet though. Just two nights later, laying in bed, watching Frozen..my nieces favorite movie and my husband fell asleep. I missed them a lot and cried going to bed. haha.

 Now to the current time...today.....I've gotten use to it and the home sickness  is gone. I now love and feel like I have my own home. Yeah I miss my family and the life I had living at home with my family but I also love my new life with Muka. (upcoming blog on the married life) Leaving the nest was a big deal for me though! & I think looking back, maybe the biggest thing was that I was scared of loosing the relationships I had…with both my little sisters AND little brother, and to my niece Caleah. I think especially with my niece Caleah. I didn't ever wanna be the auntie she's least close to because she doesn't see me all the time like my sisters that live at home. Being an auntie to my niece means a lot to me and I didn't want to loose the closeness I had with her…of being the only one she specifically calls auntie...running to my room and we'd stay up together, eating and watching tv...dancing & jumping on the bed, playing hide and seek cause her parents fell asleep but she wasn't tired yet. Those are some of my favorite moments ever....

I guess it all boils down to still wanting to feel wanted and needed by my family as if I was still home. Still wanting my sisters to come to me and talk to me when they needed me.

Now after time has passed (over 7 mos.), I know that yeah I miss some things that go on and I'm not there for every moment at home, but they come over all the time...we have sister nights every week at my house...my niece always comes over or we talk on the phone...and we're all still close. Because our parents raised us to be that way. It's just really made me grateful for how i was brought up and how close my parents had my siblings and I be even though we're each 4 years apart. I now can only hope to instill the things my parents taught and raised me with when we have our own kids someday. That they may love the home they were born and raised in and will have just as hard of a time leaving the nest.

So that journey has ended and the new one begins..Muka and I have our own nest....on Saybrook Lane, that I absolutely love and can't wait to share it soon on the blog!

Engagement Photos

A friend of mine that I've known since Jr. High did our pictures, Kat Harris. She's amazing! You can find her website here 

Kat and Keloni with us on our wedding day :) 

Taking pictures to me is really awkward and nerve wrecking but she totally made us feel comfortable and was so awesome. Her and her boyfriend, whoops, I mean fiancé'  Keloni are the most adorable couple and have the cutest pictures known to man together which she also has on her website and on her blog that you can find here

Thank you Kat for making this time of our life so memorable and giving us so many amazing pictures to remember it by :) Thanks to an amazing friend of mine Jennie, for helping me with my outfits, and my sisters for helping me with my make up :)  

Formals and wedding day pictures to come next :) 

A Little About Our Love Story & The Great Commandment

I'm going to edit this upcoming post to fit my blog but it's a talk I wrote and (had) to share the Sunday after this past Christmas in our new ward. I found it fitting for my first blog post after a long break away. :) warning: It's too long so I didn't go through and proof read so spare me if there are too many grammatical errors for you to bare. ;)

For those of you who do not know me and may be new to (seeing) my (old) blog, or to those who have forgotten me because it's been so long since they're heard from me in the blog world...my name is Cassidi Atiga. (ya see what I just did there) I'm 24 and I was born and raised here in Utah, mainly in this West Valley area. My dad is Tongan and my mom is white. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I grew up always attending a Tongan Ward (Hunter 13th Ward) so after being married and moving, now attending a ward that isn't part of the Tongan Stake is very new but exciting to me. I went to Hunter High School where I met my husband which I will get into in a second. My husbands name is Muka Atiga and we were married and sealed in the Salt Lake City Temple for all time and eternity this past August on the 29th. 

Muka and I met 9 years ago while Sophomores at Hunter High. I'd noticed him since the first day of school but he didn't get the guts to talk to me until months later which was right after winter break of 2005. That Christmas in 2005, iPods were a brand new thing and I was lucky and got one for Christmas from my parents. Anyways, winter break was done, it was back to school and a new year, and it was the 20th of January, 2006. School had just got out and I was waiting for my ride home. I kid whom I'd known from church and junior high (whom is now my brother in law) came up to me and asked to see my iPod. I didn't see a problem with it so I let him see and listen to it. He said he was going to walk to the front of the school with it and he'd be back...but when he came back and I asked for it he said his cousin took it and he didn't have it. 

As you could imagine, I was not amused. 

As I was upset and panicking, telling him to figure out where it was and get it back to me, that hot kid I'd noticed since the first day of school walked up and asked what was going on and if everything was okay. Shortly after my now brother in law got done yanking my dang chain, he gave me my iPod back and went home. That simple little "event" was the open door for my now husband to have a reason to talk to me. :) 

That night I got a text from an unknown number asking if I was okay...come to find out it was the first day of school hottie...Muka. :) We talked...or should I say text, that whole night and from there our relationship grew. Since the day we met he's been such an example to me. From always getting good grades and letting me copy his drivers ed and math homework...to always attending church and not missing a Sunday. We dated through out the rest of high school then he went off to Snow College for a little over two years to play football and I started working for an apartment management company. We remained together still with the distance, and thus starting the beginning of our what seemed like on going, long distance relationship (6 years long distance). 

Those times of dating, in High School and College, were not easy....at all. We experienced a lot of trails and rocky roads. There were times i wasn't sure if being with him was the right thing but I'll always remember in high school, 2007, my least favorite year of life....(haha)we had been going through something and I was really physically and emotionally affected by it. I'll always remember this time because it's what built the foundation of my testimony. I felt broken. I prayed and remember this particular fast I did. I asked if he was the right one for me, if he was worth sticking through it. And I remember getting the answer back and it was confirming to me that he was. 

It was remembering that answer that made my decision easy 3 years later when he decided he was going to serve a mission and I decided I'd wait. 

I'd like to think through out our relation we made the gospel a part of it and I know if it wasn't for the gospel we wouldn't be where we are now. And that it was during that same time in high school that I fasted, that in seminary I heard the saying for the first time that is, "when you put God first, all other things fall into their proper place." That ties into the "post title" of the great commandment, the first commandment, Love the lord with all thine heart. In D&C 59:5 it reads, wherefore I give unto them a commandment saying thus, thou shalt love the lord thy god with all thy heart, with all thy might, mind, and strength; and in the name of Jesus Christ thou shalt serve him.

What greater example of truly loving the lord is there than serving a mission? 

In our case my husband and I's...the best thing he could have done for us was to obey god and fulfill his duty to serve. In Romans 8:28 it reads all things shall work together for good to them that love god. I was blessed to see the growth that came from him serving. And through serving we were able to love to our fullest potential. The wait was worth it. He got home November 2013, we got engaged January 2014 and married August 2014. Blessings have flowed for us continuously since he's served and I know it's because of serving and putting our trust in the lord and doing the best we can do to do what is right. We're far from perfect but he knows our hearts and intentions and I can't explain the love he makes us feel and again, the blessings we've received in return. Without this gospel I know I wouldn't have my husband...it's the foundation to our relationship and the pages to our love story and I can't explain how thankful I am. 

Curiosity Killed the Cat

…or in this case, the proposal.     -_-

Yes, I found out it was going to happen before it happened but I totally didn't mean to….but terrible none the less.


Taking it back to the evening of Wednesday, January 15th 2014. He had a church ball game that night and afterwards we went to his house so he could shower. While he was in the shower I was sitting in his room…..just waiting……bored. So, after running out of things to look at on my phone, I was looking at things on his phone. One of the 'things' being his messages. hahaha. Don't judge me, I'm not a psycho girlfriend, I promise. Lol. One of his text conversations specifically were with one of his mission companions and his companion asked him if he'd proposed yet. To that Muka responded, "No not yet, but I'm going to this upcoming Monday. I talked to her parents and everything."

I ABSOLUTELY ALMOST DIED.

My heart started beating so fast and hard. It took everything in me to calm myself before he got out of the shower. I read that message so fast like 5+ times. haha. Than I put his phone back where it was and had a mini panic attack. haha. I HAD to tell someone. But I knew I couldn't call and tell my mom or sisters, they'd tell Muka for sure. I couldn't tell my girl cousins I'm close with because they would for sure tell their moms or my mom/sisters. So I called my good friend that I work with, Malesah…..she didn't answer. -__-  So I group txt two of my close friends that know practically everything about my relationship, Jennie and Cassie. They were texting me back like crazy over the news but I had to hurry and delete the messages and turn my ringer off because I could hear Muka getting out of the shower and coming to his room! (I'm absolutely dying even more at this point.)

He comes in the room & I play it off the best I can. He gives me a kiss. But that simple quick kiss meant just a little more than any other kiss due to the fact that I knew/had proof that he was ready and committed to asking me one of the biggest questions of anyones life! You know the saying, "made my heart smile." Well not many times can I say that I truly felt that. But this night was definitely one of them.

Than it kicked in that I knew the surprise and I felt terrible.. haha.

Fast forward a few days, he found out I knew because Jennie and Cassie just didn't want it to happen with me knowing…they wanted me to experience the moment so they ended up telling my mom and my mom telling Muka… I couldn't be mad at that. They had the best intentions. But I felt worse when I knew that he knew. But he played it off every day as if he didn't. Such a sweet heart. Oh how the mission calmed his nerves. haha. (;

Monday rolls around, January 20th, which happens to be our anniversary, our 8 year anniversary! I totally loved that he did it that day. It's funny because like 2 weeks prior I told my sister she should suggest to Muka that he should propose on our anniversary or on my birthday. haha. I said that not really thinking it'd happen.

Anyways! I woke up that morning and said a prayer first thing. I asked the lord if there was any way he could make it so that if the proposal were to happen that day, that he could help me to experience it as if I never knew. That I could have that moment and that Muka could as well. That my face or body language wouldn't ruin it for him.
And so it was.
& I know the lord sent out a special blessing that evening for Muka and I. Because it happened and I truly was surprised and caught off guard.

His sister and her family were in from out of state and he told me they wanted to go out to dinner that night and that we were going to a fancy restaurant so everyone was dressing up. We went out to dinner, I didn't really expect it there…maybe afterwards, being that we were at temple square. I thought we'd walk around and he'd ask me there. Where we had our first kiss maybe? But after we ate, everyone said they wanted to go to the movies. So we all left to the movies. The girls in one car and the boys in the other. My sister called me while we were driving and asked me if we could pick her up from my grandmas and take her home, so we did. (Which i was less than amused about. haha) We pulled up to my house, the girls said the movie wasn't starting for a bit so we should just hang at my house. I was hesitant because i just wanted to be with Muka on our day. haha But we got out the car and I went to unlock the door. When I opened the door, the lights flicked on & I saw all of my family crowded in the living room. Everyone was smiling and looked excited and anxious. And Muka was there, standing at the top of the stairs for me. And for probably the 3rd or 4th time in this post, I will repeat…..I (almost) died. haha. I did NOT expect it! He knows I'm super shy with lovey dovey things in public so it caught me off guard for sure. haha. He grabbed my hand, walked me to the middle of the room, sat me down on a chair, and after a few minutes of silence (haha) asked me if I'd marry him! :) :) :)

And that was it! 8 years to the day of first meeting one another, I was his fiancé.

Soon to be Mrs. Atiga!

The First Date

The first date…

the first kiss…

the first time seeing his name and number show up on your phone…

the first texts…

the first weeks…

..that's what makes the wait worth waiting for. 

Like I mentioned in my last two posts about the homecoming, it all was super exciting but I hadn't yet experienced the "us" feeling. The feeling I'd feel all of the time before he'd left and while he was gone. The cloud 9, so happy, and crazy in love feeling. 

It was making me super nervous and worried too because I didn't feel it when I first saw him at the airport OR the night he came to my house and we hugged and talked. The first 4 days were emotional and confusing for me because I was still waiting to experience that feeling again. While waiting for that feeling it was almost like starting a relationship from the beginning again. Having all the fun "firsts" you have in a new relationship but than you already know and are in love with that person. It was so exciting for the both of us.

On day 3 of him being home we planned to go on our first date. I had butterflies all day! That evening came and I was working up a sweat while getting ready cause I was so nervous thinking what we would be going to do and wanting to look perfect. haha. Earlier that day, when he text if he could take me out that night he said he wasn't sure what we should do and brought up going to the movies. (We have always loved going to the movies.) But throughout that day I of coarse was thinking about it and figured that wouldn't be a good first date cause we had SO MUCH catching up to do, and you can't do that during a movie! So I had to think of a different idea to tell him once he'd pick me up. So back to the story...he got to my house to pick me up and I was still trying to finish my make up so he sat down with my parents and talked to them until I was finished. It made my heart so happy. Having him back in my parents house and listening to them talk to each other and catch up. He said something while talking to them that I thought was so cute. After telling them he was there to pick me up for a date he said, "the drive here was one of the longest drives of my life." :) I finally felt content with how I look and we were off. When walking to his truck, he grabbed my hand and we held hands walking to the car. I could tell he was so nervous….and so was I. haha. Once we were in the car I told him all I really wanted to do was go somewhere that we could just talk and catch up. So he drove us to temple square. We did the Salt Lake temple square tour and it was awesome. Holding hands, walking around, laughing together. No longer being the single one seeing all the other couples. haha. :) 

At the end of the tour we walked around the outside some more. We hadn't kissed yet but I knew it was coming as soon as our walk led us the the "podium" spot that over looks the temple on the east side of temple square. (as seen below)

And that is where it happened! If it was up to me, it wouldn't have happened yet because I was too nervous and not up for it. But I'm glad it did. It at least showed he wanted to and that was a good thing, after all, I was still stressing if he still felt as much in love with me since I hadn't experienced that feeling yet. haha. Yes we had our first kiss but the feeling still hadn't shown up, BUT it did sort of break the ice that still was lingering. We walked to the fountain after wards that is just east of the podium and talked some more while he hugged me and randomly would keep kissing me. haha. It was cute. It just felt good. Feeling that feeling again.  During that time I'd brought up that feeling I'd been having, being nervous that coming home, he may not feel the same about me as before and to that he said, "well I'm not gonna lie, the night before coming home and before the airport, I know Satan was really trying to get to me." After that he assured that everything was okay and he loved me and kissed me again, but that sentence, just that one sentence as a reply was all the sat with me. I'm sure knowing the details of what he felt satan was making him think/feel probably wouldn't make me feel any better, but I was curious. I couldn't help it. I wanted to know what exactly it was making him think/feel that night before coming home and before getting on the plane. And after getting those feelings what he told himself in my defense. But I didn't ask. That'd be too much crazy to unleash on a first date. haha. So I kept it in..and had another night and next day of not much sleep and a loss of appetite. haha. 

I will now just make the long story short because I tend to drag things out……the feeling did come. That next night. Friday night. Our second night out. He wanted to be with his family, and there was a wedding that night. So we attended with his family, than went to a late night dinner, and after that he went to drop me off at home. It was just the two of us when he went to take me home and as we pulled up to my house I just wasn't ready to have him leave. I still wanted to be with him. haha. So we talked for a few short minutes and than he leaned in to kiss me good night. I don't know what the difference was between that kiss and the kiss the night prior, but it was THAT kiss that had the those feelings rushing in. At this time, when we was going to drop me off, it was midnight. Well after that kiss, we sat in his truck and talked until 4 in the morning. It was amazing. My love was back and I was the happiest girl ever. Before leaving on his mission, I always found myself saying in my head, I'm going to marry this boy. That night sitting in his truck, talking until 4am, in my mind all I could think was, I can't believe I'm going to marry this MAN! He was the same boy I remembered two years ago, my high school sweet heart, but he'd grown up in a way I'd never known and was an even better man now. 

That night was than the first night of several where I found myself just counting down for when he would propose! (; 

11-14-13: Our first date at Temple Square

His Homecoming, His first Sunday Home 

Part 2: The (not so average) Homecoming

I was sure that the next morning I would wake up to a call from him…nope! There I go assuming again. Setting myself up for disappointment because no, he didn't call…he wouldn't be calling all day unfortunately. I spent all day with his sisters and than at his house, not seeing or hearing from him all day. He was to be set apart that evening at 8pm so I figured I'd get ready around 7 than head to his ward to be there for his "release" as a missionary. That was always a no brainer for me, to be there.

Come 7 pm my mind started going again…..
...should I be at the chapel for when he's released?
….Do I want our first hug/kiss to be in front of others?? (Absolutely not)
….Do I want to have another awkward moment in front of everyone, assuming when he came out of his release interview that we'd hug or kiss only to find him ignoring me?? (Definitely not, I felt enough rejection for 24 hours haha)
My mind was thinking all these things and going crazy. Especially when my mom came in my room as I was getting ready and said, "are you sure he wants you to be there? I just want to make sure he doesn't feel weird about you going?" -_-    That thought didn't even enter my mind until she brought it up and than I found myself really second guessing everything mainly due to his behavior the past 24+ hours…..and than I rewinded back to over 2 1/2 years prior….the night he got his mission call. That night we agreed we were gonna go through this whole experience TOGETHER.
E V E R Y - S T E P - O F - T H E - W A Y
It wasn't just one of us going through it, it was something WE were doing while supporting one another to do and be our best.
I was set on going. For the most part. to be absolutely sure, I figured what the heck, I'll call him and ask if he wanted me to or not. haha. So I called his sisters phone, and he answered. Talk about getting super nervous in the matter of seconds!
I asked his thoughts on it and he told me to come, so it was settled. I went.

By the time i got there, he already went into the bishops office for the interview. After being in the hall for about 45 minutes, I figured, at lease he came, his family will tell him I was here, but I want to have our first officially "embrace" to be a bit more private. hah. So i left. and than I waited…… (story of my life. haha)

It was about 9:45pm, an hour later, and his sister txt my sister that he was home and now on his way to our house. Holy cow I could have died of butterfly over load in my stomach! I was SO NERVOUS! I sat in my living room, but the window, waiting to see him pull up in his truck. (Talk about the little things you miss.) I almost forgot in the past that I could always hear his truck coming before I could even see it pulling into my house….those memories rushed back when I heard it coming from down the street…and than I saw it pull into our circle….. and than into our driveway. He was here. At my house. After over 2 years. Just to see me.

I couldn't wait for him to come to the door so I got up and ran out the door. He saw me and we both rushed to each other and (finally) hugged! He picked me up and spun me around. Agh, I could have died. It didn't even feel like real life. I am about to cry just writing and thinking about that moment but at the time I was so caught up in the moment and feelings I didn't cry. He put me down and we just looked at each other, big smiles and laughing, not believing we were with one another. He than told me he had something for me. He said he kept his (missionary name)tag on and asked his stake president if I could remove it which he was told he could do. So as we stood there, he asked me if I could remove his tag for him. (It probably doesn't sound like a big deal but it was to me. Usually their tags are taken off by their moms after their exit interview which kind of symbolizes their official release of being a missionary.) After removing it he said it was mine to keep and we hugged again. I than heard my sisters in the background and saw flashes coming from their phone cameras so I pulled away and we decided to go in for him to see everyone else. We went inside and he stayed for about and hour and a half/two hours talking and catching up. Him and I and my sisters. Just like old times :) In that moment, I was on cloud 9. Now I could officially have the ending of "the homecoming/being reunited" moment. It wasn't what I'd always expected, but he was home, safe, and I was able to be in his presense again. The nervous feelings were still there and I hadn't 100% had the feelings I'd had before, when we were together, so i was still nervous about that, but at lease to have those 3 things, was a blessing enough for me. :)

The awkward handshake. haha

The (not so average) Homecoming

I can't tell you how many homecoming stories I've read and than daydreamed of the day I'd have my own  as a missionary girlfriend. On November 11th, 2013 he finally came home and it's a homecoming I'll never forget. It was everything I thought it wouldn't be. It was your not so average homecoming, and let me tell you why! 

There were so many of us at the airport waiting for him. His flight ended up getting in sooner than we had planned and so we were all scrambling to get posters in hand and stand in line so he could see us all with our different posters/signs. I was physically there, at the airport, but my mind was going back to the week prior, his last p-day. We were emailing and talking about the airport and seeing each other and he told me he was just going to shake my hand when we saw each other again. haha. Since that email I couldn't get that out of my mind! How awkward it would be, in front of everyone, to see us reuniting again and giving a hand shake! haha. Call me crazy, but I couldn't help it, my mind was racing. 

That was like 80% of where my mind was at that moment that he came down the escalator and the other 20% was just nervous and didn't know what to do. My mind was so caught up and going a million miles a minute that when he first stepped on the escalator I didn't even know it was him…that and the fact that I didn't have my glasses on. haha He finally got to the bottom of the escalator and his mom and nieces and nephew ran up to see him first. Everyone was so happy and smiles, crying…and there I was, over thinking on what to do and trying to avoid the handshake in front of everyone. After hugging his mom and nieces and nephew he made his way through the crowd to everyone that was there to see him. During this time I did everything I could to circulate myself to every where he wasn't so I could avoid the awkward interaction. He had finally got to everyone and now it was just me he hadn't came to see. He was walking towards me and everyone was looking at us…I'm sure my flippen' face was probably bright red. (I get super shy when it comes to "love" types of things in front of other people. haha) He walked up to me and said, "Hi Nae, it's so nice to see you!" He put his hand out and so we shook hands and he put his other hand on top of mine. He was looking straight into my eyes and smiling bigger than I've ever seen him smile, his eyes were glossy I swear he was going to cry. haha. (Talk about MOST AWKWARD HAND SHAKE OF MY LIFE! haha.) He than told me we'd catch up later before everyone started asking to take pictures of us and our handshake. After that we took 10 million pictures of everyone with him, the whole group together, etc. Once those were done everyone made their way to the parking garage. I guess I always pictured once we reunited, him wanting to be with me everywhere, and that's where I guess I set myself up to get disappointed. Everyone walked to their separate cars and he went with his parents….didn't say anything to me, just walked straight to there car. But I guess I had to give him that one, after all he was still a missionary. We went afterwards to a restaurant to eat so I told myself it'd be less awkward there, we'd talk and catch up and it'd feel like it use to when we were together. Boy was I wrong. haha. He sat at a different table and talked with those he was sitting with the whole time. Before leaving he came to the table I was at cause a friend of ours was sitting with me and purposely called him over to talk. We left the restaurant still not saying much to one another. 

After leaving there my siblings and I had to stop at my grandmas to visit her, she had been really sick and than afterwards we went to his house hoping to see him (and hopefully have him released as a missionary so we could hug and be together! haha). We get there and low and behold, he wasn't there. His sisters said he went out with his dad to visit members of the ward and he wouldn't be released until the next night at 8pm. Agh- I felt like it was the worst news. I had taken that day of work off and than the day after so we could spend it together, and I wasn't going to be able to because he was still a missionary until late that next night. But i told myself even though he was still a missionary I still just wanted to see him, so I stayed at his house so I could at least see him again before I went to bed…after all, I hadn't seen that face in person for over two years!!! A little over an hour later he walked in the door and my heart started beating fast and I tried to not have a huge grin on. haha. But he didn't really acknowledge that I was there. He seemed antsy just being there, having to talk to everyone. He wanted to leave and go visit more people!  But before leaving one of their neighbors showed up at the door to see him and so they all sat down to visit. At this point I was less than amused and wanted to leave. I felt like a guest that didn't know when to leave. So I was about to leave without saying good bye and told myself I was being a brat and to at least just go say bye. So as I walked back up to his door step he opened the door. He asked if I was leaving and I said yes. He said, "okay, thanks for coming. I don't have a phone but I'll use someones and call you tomorrow." I said okay and that was it! I drove home and cried. haha. I was sure he didn't feel the same any more and didn't want to be together. I felt stupid cause I knew everyone else saw and thought/felt it too. It made me sick to my stomach thinking of everything in my life that had to do with him and if we weren't to be together how much would change. That would be night #2 of not much sleep..

to be continued….

when your words bite you in the butt

I can't explain the excitement that takes place in me when people this week have asked when he'll be home and I can say, "on Monday..." unlike when I use to have to say a year or in a few months.

Elder Atiga's original homecoming date was October 8th, 2013 but he was offered to extend in which he gladly accepted and his new homecoming date was changed to November 11th, 2013.

Now I'll be 100% honest, when he first emailed me that he extended and so he'd be coming home a month later...I was bummed. Haha. This was about a month before he was to come home. So I had the countdown set in my mind than he told me he'd be staying longer and so I had to tack on another 30+ days. (dramatic? haha.) BUT, after about 24 hours I checked myself and realized the blessing that would come from it and that I was blessed to have such an amazing man that didn't even hesitate to want to serve the lord as long as they needed him to. I'm sure he'd extend for another year if he was offered...& that would probably take more than 24 hours for me to get over. Haha.

^^^This all leads to my "post title." Which is kind of funny when I think of it now yet embarrassing to think of saying it and more embarrassing to admit. haha. It dates back to October 12th, 2011. Elder Atiga & I, along with my sisters and Elder Atiga's 2 best friends were on our way to the MTC to drop him off. We were talking about the mission and how things would be, etc. and I told him (jokingly yet slightly serious haha.), "you better not extend your mission & you better not shake my hand at the airport when we see each other again for the first time." LOL.We both laughed but I was kind of dead serious and he kind of knew I was, too. He knows how I am. haha. & Don't you dare judge me. You know you would feel the same. haha.
ANYWAYS, two weeks ago when we were emailing on his p-day, I brought it up (jokingly, while we were 'haha'ing' about things). I told him, "so I told you not to extend and you did which I'm happy and fine with now & so I'm pretty sure you're going to just shake my hand at the airport & I will have no choice but to eventually get over that. haha" & To that he responded, "would you hate me, cause I really was planning on just shaking your hand but I know it'll probably be awkward cause I'll be hugging everyone else that is there. it'll just be awesome to finish the mission strong."

this is me ---->     -_-

......FML......


haha. Jk. OBVIOUSLY it wasn't the reunion I'd pictured, but as long as he is THERE and healthy and well....I'm grateful & I'll take it. haha. No but really. that is being 100% honest.
There is a missionary girlfriend facebook page and a few weeks ago, a missionary girlfriend posted how her missionary died that morning in Mexico while serving. My heart sunk. I couldn't even imagine. I couldn't. Her along with the Elder's family are often in my prayers... So with that being said, as long as my man returns home safely...I'll take a flippen' handshake. (until he is released and no longer an elder.) (; (;

It is also apparent that he, very much so, will be in full RM mode and quite a bit of a nerd. haha. I'm bracing myself for that just like I'm bracing myself for the fact that I may be judged for things I do or say that he may not be use to. haha. (The door swings both ways right)


Anyways, that's all for today. I'm officially off of work for the next 5 days so I will be blogging more in depth on whats going on in the mind of a missionary girlfriend days before he's to get home. (: 

four. days. people. 

that's all I have to say. 







oh and p.s. excuse me for any grammatical errors, when I get excited or feel like I have a lot in mind to write, I tend to not write things correctly or spell things wrong. oops!

long distance mind games

so it's almost down to the last 60 days. August 8th will begin the 60 day countdown until I see my missionary! Excited is an understatement if you ask how I feel about that. But I must say, these last 6 months have definitely got to me unlike any other time frame of the wait so far.

(*in comes the long distance mind games*)

Lately it's felt like time has flown by but at the same time it feels like so long since I've seen him. At this point, I really have to remember us. That sentence just sounded horrible. What I mean is, at this point, it's been over 22 months that we've been apart/ seen one another/ hung out/ went on dates/ done things normal couples do/ etc., and with that being said I really have to remind myself of the memories and try and remember them. Remember how it feels. I mean, my love is still there and has grown...it really has. In a way I can't explain. You know if you've been through a missionary relationship what I'm talking about. But when it's been that long, you kind of forget things and you have to remind yourself of how it feels. I don't know if that makes sense?

There are times where you do get a reminder of that feeling when you get a letter or an email and he reaffirms how much he loves you, etc.. Or when you have a dream about him. And the dream feels so real! We're on a date after he's come home, it's his homecoming, we're just hanging out like we use to...than I wake up and realize it was all a dream. haha. I've had all of those dreams (and than some) and every single one is a life saver to me. Because every time, they make me feel as if we just hung out. hah. Sounds so weird when I say it out loud or write it, but it's true. Those dreams and those letters will bring back that feeling that makes things a little easier and that makes my love grow regardless of the distance and the extent of communication we're allowed to have. And I'm more in love than I was before.
But of coarse, with the highs come the lows. And just like those feelings come, they also go. And it's just another waiting game to get them reaffirmed within myself. It's a crazy mind game, this long-distance-missionary-girlfriend-relationship.

90% of the time the letters and emails are about spiritual experiences and his testimony and how he's growing spiritually. Which don't get me wrong are great! But than the mind game comes into play and I have to just keep in mind that I can't let myself get caught up in always getting the sappy, lovey dovey letters and/or emails. Cause again, he needs to be focused. I can't complain if I don't hear it as much as I'd like to. Because it doesn't mean that he doesn't love me as much as I feel I love him.

With talking about the memories, and having to reflect on those to try and keep my head right & to remember what I'm waiting for, I than start to realize more and more as time passes by, that he's changed. He's grown and become more mature. Spiritually mature to be specific. Like on a whole 'nother level. He's the same guy I've loved the last 7+ years of my life...but than he's different. And it starts to make me feel nervous or second guess myself. If I'm good enough for this guy who seems so perfect. So deep into the gospel. And I feel so simple in comparison.
My mind starts thinking, what if those memories and those things that I loved so much about us, about him, aren't the same once he's home. I go through the wait, waiting for that same relationship we left off with almost 2 years ago, and than when he gets back, we're together again, and it's different. Will it be good or will it be too different? Agh, I hate even thinking this way. But I'm just writing down something I've never actually said out loud or written before. I've thought it, but was too nervous to actually put it out there.

I love Elder Atiga. Just as much as I did before he left. And I miss him so much. I just want to be together again. And I don't doubt us.
I just realized this was probably a super debbie downer blog post..especially considering it's been some time since I've last blogged. But this was just a post of the moment. Me thinking out loud and putting my thoughts into my blog. I've felt selfish for not sharing more of how I've felt going through this journey. That was the whole point of making this blog. For others going through this experience to relate to or understand. The last 3 months or so have been hard, since he's become an assistant to the president and than becoming AP to a brand new mission they opened up. The Irvine, CA mission. So we haven't talked as in depth as we always have. When he is able to write, it's pretty short and brief. So it's got my mind all over the place. which you know by now. hah. But I am still forever grateful for him and the example he is to me. Always making me want to be better. And although he's away and we aren't able to share your typical relationships type of love and affection, he still finds ways to be there for me even though he's not here.

To those who are going to be new to a "missionary relationship," I hope I didn't scare you. haha I honestly wouldn't change anything about this experience or having to go through it. It's hard, but the love we have gained thus far by pushing through it, and seeing how much he's grown and his love for the gospel makes it all worth it. To those who are going through it right now, i think by you reading this, you can tell that I can relate and can say I feel your pain. haha. And to those who do not have to experience this and have your loved ones available to you now, be grateful. Hug them a little tighter, kiss them a little longer, be a littler nicer than usual. haha. Because not everyone gets that everyday. And it's a blessing (:

That's all for tonight and holy cow, if that wasn't a ramble post I don't know what is. Oh and I only listened to this song like 100 times while writing this post. haha. story of my life!