Tell Him

Agh, this is one of my Top 5 fav songs. Tell Him by Lauryn Hill. I can listen to it over and over and not get sick of it. But since Muka's mission prep began, and it started really sinking in that he'll be leaving, I can't help but listen to this song and cry. Haha. How pathetic huh but it's the truth. I play this song almost every night when I write in my journal. And I know when Muka leaves it will be like one of my Anthems, it'll just fit my life so much in the next 2 years. My poor loved ones will be stuck listening to it also. Haha. But Lauryn Hill (whom if i could sing like anyone on earth it'd be her) is amazing so they'll get over it. ;) Lol.

But anyway, I think I have to "Tell Myself" this, rather than "Tell(ing) Him." Lol. Don't get me wrong, this is always what we've wanted. What he's thought of since he was a boy, and what I've wanted since I can remember.  But, I can't say that I'm not human. I am nervous. It's going to be really hard. I know that he loves me and I love him. And I know we have our plans and we're going to wait for eachother, that's not really my worry anymore, it's just that I'm going to miss him so much. And that's what I think it is more than anything, that's what I'm scared/nervous of most, is how much I'm going to miss him. Having that empty feeling, ya know? :/

But don't get it twisted guys, my mama didn't raise no fool. Lol. I won't be one of those girls that just acts all depressed and becomes anti-social. That is just a hott mess and lets her self go, that is not me. Trrruuusst! haha. You guys know what I mean though right?! Muka and I have seperated ourselves before, and although I can hold my own and keep my head up, that doesn't mean that inside I'm completely happy. Because without him I'm not. It's just going to be so different, and I'm not one that is a fan of major changes, lol, but this change, I am going to embrace because afterall, it is a huge blessing. :)
I have awesome sisters, an awesome mom, and the best girl cousins that can help consume my time. I also have Muka's family who is the best and me and his oldest sister are really close so that'll help too, but i know even though i have those great ladies in my life, it still won't really fill that void I'll have when Muka's gone. I do know that the only way to get through it and to feel true comfort like I have with Muka is through the gospel and putting all my trust in the Lord. People can hate on me saying this and not believe me, but I honestly feel like Muka was meant for me, that in the pre-existance I knew him and knew that we'd meet again on earth. Than, 15 years into my life I saw him again and he's had my full attention since. :) (So gushy uh?! Lol. But i'm serious though!)

We just click, in every way and we have ever since the first night he text me! Haha. We have so much in common. Family is so important to the both of us and our families just mesh so well! My family has grown to love and respect him. He's so good to my sisters and never minds them coming almost everywhere with us. If anything he always asks where they are if I show up without them! Hah. And I LOVE his family. They've never been anything but welcoming to me and my family (sisters) since Day 1. With this all being said (I got a little side track sorry. You'll learn i do that A LOT) with him being gone I know that I'll feel like a part of me is gone. He is what keeps me sane when I feel like I'm loosing it or am overwhelmed (Lol). He makes me laugh when I'm most ita(mad) or when I'm crying. He just puts the cherry on top of every week for me guys! Lol. He's my everything. Being without him will definately be an adjustment, an ALL WORTH IT adjustment. I'll just have to continue to Tell Him (and myself) that I love him and it'll be alright.

..Cass.